Pressures on parents are great these days. Advertisements lure children and adolescents to expensive clothes and games. The internet, the influence of peers, and long working hours give parents less ability to monitor children. The question becomes "How can I be a good parent, have my children be happy and love me, but also be safe and respectful of themselves, others and ME?" Many times parents feel so ignored and helpless in regards to their children. Research has shown that children actually grow up to be very much like their parents. Children, including adolescents, watch parents and need them much more than parents recognize and appreciate. This is good news and bad news. The good news is that in the long run, parents need to be less fearful of the influence of the media, peers etc. since what they are taught at home is most important. The bad news is that what parents teach children at home will be most important! Kids are very sensitive to double standards, "Do as I say and not as I do", just doesn't work. When parents don't listen to their children or use physical force to control them, children typically learn not to listen and to use physical force to control others. And children who rarely hear "No!" from parents don't learn to control their behavior and curb extravagent wishes.

What can be done?

1. Listen to the feelings behind children's words rather than the demands. Hear the pressures they feel from peers, friends, school, even parents.
2. Let them know you care in your deeds as well as your words.
3. Tell them how much you want them to be happy, but there are certain limits to what is possible. Don't just say "No!" Give children the opportunity to be creative and part of the decision-making process. Lay out your concerns-costs, fears, values.
4. Be clear with yourself what your objections are. Is it money, appropriate behavior, or fear you are losing control of their lives? Are you concerned this will lead to something dangerous or bad for them? It's often good to talk with a friend or a professional, since it can be hard to be objective under pressure.
5. Try to work out a meaningful compromise, but be clear on your values. Take into consideration that each generation has its own perspective. Check with teachers or school counselors to find out what is appropriate for the 90's. Remember when your parents objected to things just because they came from a different generation.
6. The hardest step of all is to accept that sometimes, no matter how thoughtful and reasonable you have been, your children will be angry with you. Hopefully as they grow up, they will appreciate the caring and wisdom behind your need to say "No."

Dr. Miller is a psychotherapist in practice in Torrance and West Los Angeles. He is a member of the Independent Psychotherapy Network.

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