Therapy in LA

We will feature a new article here each month written by one of our group members. These articles are offered free for your information and are not meant to provide individual advice or psychotherapy.
http://therapyinla.com/book-review/

June 2007

DEPENDENCY AND CODEPENDENCY

by Linda S. Barnes, Ph.D.

The term codependent has been thrown around for some time. It is used as a way to describe others as well as a derogatory term people often use to describe themselves, “Oh, I’m such a co-dependent.” The word gets used so often and in so many ways, it becomes confusing.

Recently a colleague, teaching a class about couples remarked, “We are all codependents.” In order to accurately evaluate yourself and your relationships, it is important to distinguish what is and is not codependency. Codependency, at its root, entails excessive worry and concern to the point of obsession about and attempts to control the behavior of someone close to you. This person is either suffering from an addiction and/or a mental disorder.

Codependency can also develop in response to a teenager who is acting out. One of the serious drawbacks of the overuse of the term, codependency, is that one can become confused about what is healthy dependency and what is codependency. A healthy relationship is relatively free of both obsession and the feeling that one needs to control the other person. In a healthy relationship, our loved one can depend on us, but we, in turn, can depend on them. In a codependent relationships our loved one is often undependable. In a healthy relationship, we tend to feel positive about our loved one and ourselves. There is room to flow from intimacy to independence and back again because the relationship is secure enough to do this.

According to Melody Beattie who wrote the book Codependent No More, “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” As the condition of the person to whom we are attached becomes more severe, the more likely it is that our codependency will become severe.

Often it is difficult to detect codependency in oneself, especially if the addiction /disease of your loved one runs a slow but progressive course. However, if you find that you have come to the point of feeling increasingly worried and unhappy in your relationship, feel hopeless, helpless, trapped, find yourself covering for your loved one’s behavior, and/or feel there is no way out until the other person gets it together, you may be suffering from codependency.

We may be attached to a moderate drinker who then progresses to alcoholism, a recreational drug user who escalates to addiction, or a child who becomes an extremely disruptive teenager. In these cases, it is rather easy to slip into codependency without being aware.

If you think you may be codependent, ask yourself a few simple questions:

1. Is my worry about my loved one causing me to lose site of my own wishes and desires?
2. Do I feel I can’t be happy until my loved one changes?
3. Do I feel trapped without any end is sight?
4. Do I feel compelled to control my love one and the situation?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, you could benefit from seeking help from a therapist or counselor. There are also self-help, twelve step, programs available such as Alanon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and Coda.

Many people are reluctant to seek help, but when they do, they are able to climb out of what previously felt like an impossible situation. They go on to live lives that are happier and more personally fulfilling. Their lives are no longer ruled by unhappiness, worry and obsession about their loved ones.