Therapy in LA

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May 2012

IDENTIFYING AND DEVELOPING RESILIENCE

By Glenn Peters, Ph.D.

“Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well, when they cannot be discerned from the top of a mountain. So are many things learned in adversity which the prosperous man dreams not of.” – Charles Spurgeon

Let’s take a look at resilience. What does it mean to say that a person is resilient? People who are resilient tend to have a flexible attitude, often called a “bounce back.” They tend to recover more quickly from the most difficult circumstances while others, who are not as resilient, find the impact of hard times more overwhelming, and recovery, if it comes at all, painfully slow.

People who are struggling to cope with hardship usually experience many powerful emotions, such as anger, grief, fear, depression and anxiety. Individuals who are less resilient stay stuck longer in these emotions even after the hardship has long ended. More resilient people more quickly revert to their pre-hardship psychological state and can even develop a new sense of purpose in life. This is symbolically illustrated in the transformation symbol of the Phoenix that arises from the ashes. From hardship and trauma we can develop new personal aspects or strengths that we did not even know existed within us. Magic Johnson in the ESPN movie “The Announcement” describes many intense struggles within himself before he could find the courage to turn a tremendous traumatic hardship, into a strong and positive purpose in life. He turned his own suffering with the HIV virus into a “newfound calling”, which has helped not only himself but many others.

So how can one become more resilient? Here’s a look at a few key characteristics of people who demonstrate resilience during life’s hardships.

A Sense of Hope and Trust in the World

Resilient people rely on their belief in the basic goodness of the world and trust that things will turn out all right in the end. They trust that they will find an answer to their hardship, that hope does exist and they don’t allow themselves to fall into long term self- pity or emotional despondency. However, after a significant hardship or trauma, it often will take time before they can experience this trust and hope once again. This is clearly seen in people that have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Individuals that suffer from PTSD experience a form of trauma that is so severe that it has significant impact on their ability to function in a number of areas, such as at work, in their capacity to have intimate relationships and even in areas of basic self-care. In these cases individuals who previously had a sense of trust and safety, lose this trust due to the severe trauma. In a significant number of cases individuals will often need the professional assistance of others, such as a psychotherapist, to help them to restore this basic sense of trust.

An example of a form of psychotherapy that resolves the consequences of trauma in helping to restore a sense of safety and trust is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), (developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.). The development of safety is considered an essential aspect of the EMDR approach. A trauma cannot be resolved without a sense of safety and trust.

Interpreting Experiences in a New Light

The ability to look at a situation in a new way (a skill called “reframing”) can minimize the impact of a difficult situation. Resilient people take a creative approach toward solving a problem, and don’t always use an old definition for a new challenge.

An individual I know sums up this attitude, this reframing, by saying that if she had not experienced her daughter’s tragic death, as her daughter was murdered, she would not have been in the position to help other mothers through their grief process. This individual helped establish support groups for other grieving mothers, as she contained her own pain to try and make a difference for others. She saw that something good could come out of her horrible tragedy. She saw a new meaning in her own life because of her tragedy. She learned that good actions in helping others could lead to good consequences, positive and meaningful experiences that gave her life purpose once again.

Similarly, in the Parade Magazine from the Los Angeles Times for Sunday April 8, 2012, Stephanie Nielson writes about the plane accident that occurred to her in the summer of 2008, when her picture-perfect life which included being married to the man of her dreams and raising four beautiful children was shattered. In this article Stephanie writes about how she worked with significant help from family and friends to slowly but also painfully to reclaim her life and to redefine her experience of beauty, as her body was severely disfigured. Stephanie experienced on a very deep emotional level that beauty was much more than appearance. It renewed her commitment to her faith and helped her to appreciate the preciousness of her family and the beauty of the world.

A Meaningful System of Support

One of the best ways to endure a crisis is to have the support of another person who can listen and validate your feelings. Knowing that others care and will come to our support decreases the feeling of isolation, especially when tackling a problem alone. It’s important to choose people you trust. Don’t be surprised if it takes several friends, each of whom can provide different kinds of support. Resilient people aren’t stoic loners.

Joyce Parker in her Psych bytes of September 2010, called “Resilience,” describes the crucial importance of good support in the development of individuals who are resilient. She comments that abused children who have good support can be resilient not only in the face of adversity, abuse, but can also overcome a bad genotype, a genotype that is associated with increased depression in the midst of adversity.

Dorothea McArthur in the September 2010 article, “If You Are Hit You Don’t Have To Fall,” speaks about the meaningful connection between strangers that led to an expression of compassion for a deer that had been hit by a car. The compassion expressed in words and gentle touching that occurred seemed to help bring the deer back to life. It seems that the meaningful compassionate relation of these individuals not only helped the deer but helped the people that were involved.

Facing what befalls you rather than succumbing to fear and avoidance

Each of the individuals discussed in this paper learned to face what had befallen them. They spoke with others about what had happened to them and expressed their feelings. They did not stay stuck in blaming others, people, situations or God. There is an old Chinese proverb that out of crisis, opportunity arises. But the opportunity arises only when you can recognize and accept the crisis and then seek out the opportunity.

I remember this in my own life. When my father in law, at age 92, broke his hip I recognized that my wife and I were in for some very hard times. Watching him become more and more disabled was unbearable. Yet we knew that we both loved him so much that we would be committed to helping him. We stayed focused on the side of hope rather than despair. We felt deep despair at times along with many other emotions, including fear. But we stayed determined in our compassion and commitment. It was during this time that we became even closer with him. We learned more about his early life and his wealth of very interesting experiences. When I look back at that time I realize that I further developed many aspects of myself, an even deeper sense of being loved and in loving another, a stronger recognition of my capacity to make a strong commitment and a stronger capacity to be assertive. Just like other people’s stories that I have mentioned above, my wife and I recognized that others, namely friends and family, could help us and did help us to get through that time in our life. We were able to do this because we were willing to face hardship.

Self-Reflection and Insight

Life’s experiences provide fertile ground for learning. Asking yourself questions that invite introspection can open a door to new understanding and appreciation of who you are and what you stand for. Giving voice to your thoughts and feelings leads to insight and helps transform the meaning of a problem into something useful. Resilient people learn from life situations and do not succumb to punishing themselves because of decisions made in the past.

The individuals mentioned in this article also exemplify how learning, through self-reflection and insight can and does take place for people that become resilient. Each of the people mentioned in this article gained a deeper understanding of themselves and their life. They were able to become aware of the tough issues that were before them whether it had to do with learning a new way of looking at themselves in the mirror and recognizing true beauty or in becoming aware of a new awareness of their purpose and recognizing the value of letting go of what was past. Their capacity to do this is a model to us all, showing the human capacity to transform in the midst of the most difficult adversities. We all have the potential to transform, in our unique ways, depending on our adversities.

If you look to improve these areas during more minor misfortunes or hassles – rather than when significant adversity pays a visit – you will learn ways to buffer and grapple with the harshest sting of adversity.

Dr. Glenn Peters is a Clinical Psychologist and a Certified EMDR Therapist practicing in Encino and Glendale. He is a member of the Independent Psychotherapy Network. You can contact Dr. Peters at (818) 475-2666 or Gappsyche@aol.com. His website is http://www.glennpetersphd.com.