Therapy in LA

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June 2012

INDIVIDUAL THERAPY OR COUPLES THERAPY?*

Carl H. Shubs, Ph.D.

Frequently someone calls wanting help with relationship issues. The question is: Should the person come in alone or with their partner? The answer is – it could be either.

Therapists also differ in their response. Some see the couple and may simultaneously work with one or both people individually. This article presents the other point of view, in which the therapist sees only one part of a family unit, either the couple together or only one of the partners.

Individual Therapy

The easier choice is when one partner does not want couples therapy. This opens the door for the other person to deal with all of these issues in their own individual therapy. Relationship issues often are addressed in individual therapy, because no one is in a couple alone.

Here the therapy immerses itself in the person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, openly and freely, uncensored by fears of what might happen if the person were actually to express those things to their partner. It sorts out what's honest, true, and authentic, from the patient's point of view. It examines what triggers difficulties in their relationship and what stops them from expressing themselves directly with their partner. It examines what is based on their experience of their partner and what may come from past relationships and childhood experience.

This is not an intellectual exercise but rather a foundation for them to take those thoughts and feelings back into their relationship. It may reveal things that they had previously been struggling with and afraid to confront or address within themselves or with their partner. With the support of their individual therapy, they may now be able to do what they had been too afraid to face or accept. It lets them test out their assumptions, experiment with new behaviors, increase their self awareness and knowledge about their partner, open up new and previously inconceivable growth within themselves, and enhance personal intimacy with their partner.

Some people use individual therapy in this way to address their part of the relationship, building their capacity to deal with issues from their past that lessen their self esteem and negatively influence their current behaviors and relationships. They then re-engage with their partner in new and different ways.

Often, this may lead to beginning couples therapy, with another therapist, to improve their communication and address relationship dynamics and problems more closely. The focus is then on the couple together, not on either person individually. It is a couples therapy, meaning it is focused on the couple, and it is a couple's therapy meaning it is a therapy for couples.

If they already are in couples therapy, the individual therapy helps to focus and support them in dealing with their partner there. If they do not have a couples therapist, they are offered some referrals, while they continue with their individual therapy.

Couples Therapy - Two "I's" and a "We"

Alternatively, some people are clear about wanting couples therapy. Here, the focus is on the couple, their communication, and how they relate together. The therapist sees and hears how they communicate, deal with emotions, manage conflicts, and solve problems. Together, they all track more closely what gets in the way in the couple's relationship and what makes it better, by the couple’s own criteria.

The primary focus is the interaction between the partners. If this brings up things that one person needs help dealing with in greater depth, that is important to recognize and address as it impacts the relationship. However, couples therapy is not another form of individual therapy.

If someone is in individual therapy, the therapist encourages them to take that piece of work back there, while together they continue focusing on the couple's issues. If they do not have an individual therapist, referrals are offered to other professionals for the individual work.

It may wind up where each partner has their own individual therapy, in conjunction with their couples therapy. Then, each therapy helps the other move along faster and more smoothly than would usually be the case alone. While this may sound more costly, and may be so in the short term, over the long term it is much less expensive and less emotionally costly for everyone. These are the issues to be discussed in a first phone call, as you consider which therapy you will be starting.

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Carl H. Shubs, Ph.D., is a psychologist in independent practice in Beverly Hills. He is a member of the Independent Psychotherapy Network. You can contact Dr. Shubs at (310) 772-0520 or DrShubs@DrCarlShubs.com. His website is www.DrCarlShubs.com.