I run a group for at-risk teenage girls and am often shocked at the rudeness, insensitivity, selfishness, irresponsibililty and abuse they will put up with from their friends and boyfriends. It is very hard to convince these girls that they do not have to tolerate this sort of behavior in others. They seem to believe that these behaviors can be rationalized or excused. It is their negative expectations that allow them to accept such treatment.

For my doctoral dissertation, I compared the early childhood experiences and the quality of the marital relationship of highly satisfactorily married women and women who were divorced. I found that the expectations they had of themselves and their partners probably developed in their childhoods and were important determiners of the quality of their relationship with their husbands.

There were significant differences in the way the two groups of women described their relationships with their parents and the way they described their relationships with their husbands. A statistically significant percentage of the married women portrayed their relationships with their parents in very positive ways. They had at least one exceptionally loving parent. They used such descriptive terms as "loving, warm, caring, supportive, always there for me." Many of the married women talked about being the favorite of one of their parents.

      "I was the baby. I always got what I wanted. She gave me a lot of attention."

      "I was his favorite. He thought I was wonderful. I could do no wrong."

These women described their husbands very positively as well. Many of them used the adjectives, kind and caring. They believed their husbands understood and were responsive to their needs.

      "Overall, he is real understanding of my needs and what I want to do."

      "The relationship developed on mutual respect. We're there for each other."

They did not perceive their husbands as very critical of them.

      "I can't think of a time when he's hurt my feelings badly."

      "He doesn't criticize very often. When he does, he apologizes."

Thus these highly satisfactorily married women appear to have adult relationships which are not very different from their childhood experiences with their parents.

The divorced women described their childhood relationships very differently. There was more ambivalence, less glowing accounts of being loved and appreciated. They often described one and sometimes both parents as being particularly problematic.

      "He was a steamroller, short-fused, impatient, demanding and withholding."

      "A psycho, he was never around, very strange when he was there- not stable."

      "She was driven to make me achieve. It was never enough, critical but very loving at times."

They often described one parent as somewhat more loving and affectionate but not entirely adequate.

      "He was concerned, protective and warm, but he wasn't there much."

      "I knew my mother loved us, but she didn't tell me she loved me."

Thus, the picture that emerges is much more mixed than for the highly satisfactorily married women..The majority of the divorced women had parents who were loving some of the time, but often unsupportive, unresponsive or unavailable and neither parent was exceptionally loving.

These women described their ex-husbands as being a mixture of positive and negative qualities, also.

      "He was a very quiet man, never talked. He went to the garage and tinkered around.
        He wanted to be by himself."

Some had husbands with drug or alcohol problems which undermined the relationship.

      "He was warm and supportive at first, but he lost his job and became angry. He began drinking.
        He was driven. By the end he was very critical, angry and hostile."

The divorced women were more likely to report that their spouses were often critical of them.

      "He projected his inadequacies on me. A lot of the relationship made me feel more insecure
        and emotionally off-balance."

      "He criticized everything from cooking to folding underwear. A compliment for him
        was to say that dinner was OK."

Thus the divorced women reported childhood experiences with parents that were less supportive and available than the married women and more disappointing and negative experiences in their marriages.

What conclusions can be drawn from this data? Children who have early experiences of being well loved and cared for tend to develop positive expectations of themselves and others. They believe that they deserve to be treated with respect and consideration and they believe others will treat them that way. If someone comes along who does not afford them the respect they feel they deserve, they do not make excuses for that person or rationalize their behavior. Rather they react by avoiding that person. So it is much more likely that they will exclude those individuals who would not treat them well and maintain relationships with those individuals who do treat them well. Their expectation that they will be treated with love and consideration, may also influence in a positive way how they interact with their partners. When there is an expection that a partner has good will and is kind and caring, there is less defensiveness, less misunderstanding and oversensitivity. There is more openness, good will and respect in interactions.

Not all of us have the good fortune to be born into families that were consistently loving and available. So are we doomed to live in relationship hell for all our lives? I don't think so. But we need to learn something from the way these highly satisfactorily married women perceived themselves and others. We need to learn how to respect ourselves. We need to have the expectation that we deserve to be treated with kindness, responsiveness and caring by our partners. And we need to avoid those who cannot or will not treat us with the respect, love and care that we deserve. We need to have positive expectations of how we should be treated in a relationship and faith that there are people who will treat us that way.

Dr. Parker is a psychotherapist in practice in Torrance. She is a member of the Independent Psychotherapy Network.

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